The Zombie Problem

For centuries humanity has lived with the knowledge that the Zombie Apocalypse could happen at any moment. With all the toxic waste, super science created ultra viruses, and crazy Haitian voodoo doers (no offense to Haitians or the purveyors of voodoo as I have much respect for both groups) there seems to be an almost limitless source of zombies out there. Some people believe that zombies are scary. But they do not have to be, if you have a plan. So what do you do in the event of a zombie outbreak? Here at the Correctedness I am going to provide the answer once and for all.

Now I've been warning about the inevitability of a zombie attack for years so there is really no excuse not to have a zombie preparedness plan in place. Well I suppose there is one excuse: you hate yourself and your family and you want to become tasty snacks for a horde of the evil undead. However, I will cover the basic necessities to any good zombie survival plan.

First be prepared. Having your survival kit ready to go at the drop of body. Unlike a tornado or a hurricane kit, where you'll need supplies for maybe a few days your zombie kit should have supplies for at least a few months. That being said this is the one time when it would be a great idea to take a page from the mountain militia survivalist playbook and build a fortified bunker with food and water rations for a minimum of five years. While you are stocking up be sure to grab a large assortment of small and large caliber firearms with at least 10,000 rounds of ammunition (it's why our founding fathers granted us the right to bear arms, to blow zombie Alexander Hamilton's head off as soon as the need should arrive - and yes that was a veiled threat towards America's banking system). If you don't have the  means to build a fortified bunker, you should at least buy enough sheets of plywood to secure all of your windows and doors to keep the zombies out of your bedroom.

Shelter, food, water, guns and ammo should take care of your families immediate needs. But what is the appropriate and best way to get rid of the multitudes of flesh-eating undead? After careful deliberation the logical solution becomes entirely obvious. To end the attack of zombies the government needs to nuke the affected region(s), effectively vaporizing the zombies. To be sure all of the zombies and contagions are destroyed the nuclear bomb(s) should be followed up with high intensity incendiary bombs. Before the ashes settle from the fires teams of Army Rangers should work their way through the rubble and to shoot anything that would dare to keep moving after suffering through a nuclear holocaust and a firebombing. Thus the zombie attacks would be stopped before they could grow to and spread to other parts of the world. There might be some collateral damage and civilian casualties would undoubtedly be high but as long as you listened to the Correctedness and headed into that fortified bunker at the first sign of trouble, you and your family will survive to tell the tale of the day great-grand pappy came back from the cemetery and tried to take a bite out of Billy